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concious decision #1: it took me sometime to realise it but finally i know that apart from my family and a select few
concious decision #2: taking drugs again was one. although i never actually stopped. i couldn't even get by a month
concious decision#3: to get the fuck out of her in august of 2008 and move everything (i.e myself) to Paris.
concious decision#4: to not let anyone in as much as i used to. as i said, the only person who cares about me is
concious decision#5: to do sweet f.a. i'm very happy and in control.
#6: cigarette.
- Location:bedroom.
- Mood:
good - Music:paramore-emergency.
other times i think about the life i want to have and what it will be like living in paris designing house and smoking too much.
i'm here in america and i've never been so confident with being alone.
my friendships never last and that is why both of my 'junkie' and businesswoman images are of me alone.
if i can do it here and now then i can sure as hell do it later. do i want to?
p.s this trip has been the best thing to ever happen to me.
- Location:los angeles, ca.
2 weeks tomorrow until me and simone fly to la! i can't wait to meet her dad, kaylie, see her brother again, olivia and meet all her friends. the abundance of sun will be amazing, my hair will grow even longer and i'm pretty sure i'll have the best time of my life. i'm not going to see my brother for so long though so thats not so good but i'll get him good presents.
about to go to frankie & benny's for dinner with jamie. not making any decisions until i come back my holiday but who knows.
guess...
- Location:@ simones.
- Music:blondie.
another new start.
this year has been all about fixing everything i broke last year. i'm getting there so far but there are still a few special people i need to make more effort with, and thats just what i plan to do.
it appears i have lost all confidence. i used to be the one to love getting up on the stage to strut my stuff, the one who everyone would listen to because i would tell stories and make people laugh, the one who would introduce themselves first and foremost and be able to look that stranger in the eye.
now, well now i dread the very thought of parading in tiny shorts with thousands looking, i don't talk because i think no-one would care to listen, i don't introduce myself because deep down i know i will not be 'allowed' to talk to them.
i think subcontiously i'm running back to the past because i think it will save me from having to get this confidence back, but i do like who i used to be don't i?
- Location:desk.
- Music:kings of leon.
